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New look, new Sam

It's odd how with my 30th birthday around the corner, I have been starting to feel a little older.

Not as in physically getting creaky (though my back does tend to hurt a lot more than it did before) but emotionally.

Take my relationship for example.

Flattering photo of me and my boyfriend

Flattering photo of me and my boyfriend

As a Millennial, I don’t really fit into the old school paradigm of what a girl (woman?) my age should be doing. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the past seven years and people still ask me almost weekly, when we are going to be getting married.

I always give them the same answers.

- Eventually.

- When we are ready.

- When I have money.

- We aren’t in a hurry.

And when they don’t seem to be convinced, the piece de resistance.

- I’m happy.

That one is the hardest to believe, even by some of my fellow Millennials.

But this topic deserves a separate blog, so let me move on.

Feeling older.

With having resigned from my job and trying to take responsibility of my life, everyday has pretty much been a school day for me.

I can’t say that I have it all figured out, there are still many MANY creases to iron out, lessons to learn and much work to do.

With extensive introspection, I have looked within myself and noticed a bigger happiness in my quality of life, a wisdom I never possessed before and although I am still nervous and have hard days, I seem to make it through.

My baby sister has come home for a little while and after I have been living with my boyfriend for 10 months, it feels like I have invited her to our collective home. Yet it is not the way it was when we were younger and living together. I care about her well-being, what breakfast there is for her, if she is going to be cold in the night and if there is enough toilet paper. (these are my more ‘adult’ concerns in life).

me and my little sister

Me and my little sister

I guess I spent so long in my life feeling inadequate and under-prepared for everything life was throwing at me, that I didn’t notice that a gentle confidence slowly seeping into my life.

I had dedicated years to loathing myself for being weak and fragile and fearful of happiness that I was (am?) the master of jumping to the wrong conclusion and just some regular old self deprecation. I was a lost girl trying to make it in a world that felt too big and scary for her.

How do I feel now?

Still frightened. The world is big and scary but at least I am no longer frozen by my fear.

Sure I am afraid of the future, worried it might not all work out but now I feel like I can handle those stresses for the first time in my life.

Truth be told, mental illness isn’t such taboo anymore. I don’t talk about it that often but it seems that because I am finally in a good place in my life, I finally have love, knowledge and hard lessons that I might be able to share with anyone who may need it.

Life isn’t always going to be easy but I have come to learn that it gets better.

I made it through a time I shouldn’t have and yet I did. I made it through and the final penny drop was when I realised that I had survived severe, crippling depression and then some. And not only that, but I turned my mind from a dark, haunted playground into one where the sun shines most of the time and the grass even grows on occasion.

My emo stage

Back when I was super depressed- you can see the sadness in my eyes

Moving forward

As you can tell, my blog tone is changing slightly.

Along with my end of 20’s revelation, I felt that I needed to write about things that matter.

I still love gin and modeling and will continue to feature it in my blog, but in a less veneer type of way.

Having a look at what I portray in my writing no longer feels like a true expression of myself.

Now don’t stress, I am not going to bore you with what can only read as exaggerations of depression (and I just want to clarify that I am not saying depression is hyperbolised. No, I am saying that if I write whilst in a dark space and attempt to explain it to people who have not experienced it, they will not believe the pure agony of what I would need to convey. It’s horrific and I would not wish any form of mental illness upon anyone.) Instead I want to highlight the ways that I helped myself, made things better for myself whilst still pursuing and talking about things that I love.

I guess you could call it the same same but different.

My happiness is way more obvious

My happiness is visible

I don’t have all the answers and I don’t always get things right. I have my fair share of hiccups and tough times but the thing is that when they occur, I can have faith that there will be a light at the end of it. That the enveloping depression is only temporary and as long as I don’t do something terribly drastic, I am going to get through it all eventually.

Life doesn’t have to be hard all the time but when it is, at least I know I have a little torch to guide me through the night.

#depression #gettingolder #30 #turning30 #anxiety

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