Welcome to my dirty thirties
That time I took a screenshot of my friend's post instead of asking for the photo
Today is finally here- my dirty thirties. The last few days of my twenties have been a rather difficult fact to deal with because I’ve been in complete denial if I am honest (do you blame me?). With the last of my reckless years behind me, I thought it only right to do a stock take of my life inventory to see what I have accumulated so far and here is what I came up with.
I am not as young as I used to be (no duh...) but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Sure, the weight is a little harder to keep off than when I had a 21 year old metabolism. Yeah, ok my skin isn’t as dewy, my hair isn’t as thick and I have noticed some fine lines around my eyes. But looking at myself, I can’t say I have ever been this happy.
Throwback to a 21st I attended with my now boyfriend (shamelessly staring down my top)
My early twenties were rough and I dealt with a lot of stuff including my father’s passing which I have only recently begun to come to terms with some six years down the line. I was miserable more often than not, I hated and doubted myself. I was insecure and slightly (haha) erratic. I worked in multiple jobs that made me unhappy, had negative relationships that brought no good to my life and if I am really truthful with myself – I was wasting my time when I could have been doing so much more.
My mid-twenties got a little better. I began to travel and explore the world. I met an incredible man who changed my world forever. But I was still allowing my rollercoaster of emotions dictate my life. I was never quite satisfied and always felt like something was missing.
Then I got to the other side of my mid-twenties and did something that was extremely brave for me. I went to Europe for two months on my own. It sounds silly but days before I left on my trip. I got this odd feeling that I was going to meet someone super important, that this trip was going to provide me with something/someone I had been searching for my whole life. It was only towards the end of my trip, after exploring Amsterdam, Paris, Nice, Florence, Rome, Venice, Lubljana, Budapest, Prague and Berlin alone that I realised who it was. It was me. Somewhere in between wandering quaint European streets and improving my Czech, I discovered myself.
Things got a little better after that but I was still plagued by a niggling of unhappiness.
I continued to explore the world, this time with my partner but it wasn’t quite everything I needed.
It was at that point that I realised that I was no longer happy working in an office. I had begun some freelance writing and decided that was what I wanted to do with myself. I do have a degree in journalism after all.
So I decided to take the leap. Last year I went out all on my own with grand ideas that it would be easy and magazines would quickly publish my work. It wasn’t. And they didn’t. Last year was difficult. I learnt everything the hard way. Yet, in spite of the stress and fear, I finally started to feel happy. Isn’t that weird? Like scarily happy.
And as the end of the year approached, I began thinking more and more about how my twenties were finally going to be over and I realised that I wasn’t all too sad. This past decade has been one of self discovery, of growing confidence and learning to love myself. Figuring out how to be in a healthy relationship, how to be an entrepreneur and a freelancer.
The new year
All dressed up and covered in glitter at my 30th
I walked into 2018 feeling more confident, more grown up and in control of things. And sure, I am no longer in my twenties but that is certainly not going to stop me from doing cosplays, loving Harry Potter, Hello Kitty and a myriad of other things that 9 year olds adore. Imma do 30 the way I feel suits me because first the first time in my life, I am happy to be Sam, happy to be a loud, odd weirdo with a passion for cats, horror movies and karaoke.
P.S. I sing like a crow