Who I really am

Behind the scenes of a gin tasting photo shoot

Trying to figure out this blogging business is not easy.

I’ve been looking to other far more successful bloggers for inspiration, trying to understand how they are so accomplished. It’s always picture perfect photos, stunning colours and lighting. Gorgeous and fun-filled lives that are full of adventure, exploring and documenting every moment.

That was when I realised why I could never be like them – because that is not who I am.

I am not the type of person who goes for jogs after work and visits boutique restaurants in Haarties or Dullstroom on the weekends. I love my time, I love to be alone and I really love my bed. I feel too bad to ask my boyfriend to become an Instagram husband and take constant photos of me so I work with what I have.

And what I have is very real and very raw. It always has been.

Me as the villain - Photo by Nick Huisman photography

Not so long ago I posted an image of me dressed up as Maleficent because I have decided that being the villain is a little more fun. Again, just to clarify, I am not stealing money or hurting people, but rather embracing myself, flaws and all. I have decided to be unapologetically me.

Lately I have been so caught up in trying to get people to like me, trying to live up to people’s expectations and it’s been making me so unhappy.

I almost forgot that once, a very long time ago, I met a special girl who taught me it was ok to be myself, irrespective of what people thought. I forgot that for a while and lost myself a little but now I remember as clear as day.

I know I am not perfect.

I am afflicted with depression and other mental illness.

I can be selfish and just downright painful to be with at times.

I can pick irrational fights.

I have body image problems and hate the state my body is in.

But there are also good things about me too.

I think I am hilarious.

Like super awkward, weird and funny but not in the way that people always get.

I swear. A LOT. Not so long ago, I sort of apologised to a friend’s mom (old age makes me a little more self aware) and she brushed it off saying that she knows me by now.

It was a small and seemingly insignificant statement but it got me thinking.

Me being me on set

When I was younger, I was extremely flamboyant but also highly erratic.

As I aged, I did begin to care what people thought and toned it down in pursuit of the ideal life.

More girlfriends, stable job, great appearances constantly, but turning 30 and throwing a themed birthday party that wasn’t overly large but just full of enough people who cared for me, was an eye-opener.

I do not have a lot of female friends. It is what it is.

But I do have people who love me.

I am emotional but also fiercely loving and empathetic, overly so at times.

I adore dress-up. Being creative is a huge outlet for me that fulfils the part of me that has loved costumes since I was 7 years old.

I love gin, I love drinking, I love a good time but I am also obsessed with Harry Potter and though I have been modelling for 12 years, I don’t actually think I am beautiful. In fact, the only things that I ever hold as having worth in my life are things that I have done entirely on my own which is also why I can be very sensitive about my writing.

I am not the normal blueprint of a woman; that much is true.

Like I just don't even know what is happening here

I don’t often wake up happy because depression is a constant but I try. I think that is the most important thing in life. I am always trying to better myself.

I try to make myself laugh, make my boyfriend smile, my sister giggle and my mom happy.

These are the things I value because looks and the perfect lifestyle is not something I have or even want.

For this reason, I’ve decided to take a step outside of the normal understanding of beauty and perfection, and have opted to begin sharing the truly odd moments in my life.

I love making stupid faces, doing dumb poses that are the opposite of what would be expected in a studio because it’s hilarious and I would rather try to make myself laugh than feel like crying all the time.

So that is my declaration, from this point onwards, I have decided to show more of the ridiculous side of me because life is not perfect, it is full of scars and stretch marks, good days and bad days, suffering, loneliness, love and happiness all squeezed into a huge messy ball that will forever be rough around the edges – just like me!

Some gangster poses at Nirox